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Misc Quotes
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"When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better."
Mae West
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"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin
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"My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson
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"A terrible thing happened to me last night again - Nothing."
Phyllis Diller
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"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
Marylyn Munroe
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"Oh Lord give me chastity, but do not give it yet."
St Augustine
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"Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure."
Bob Hope
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"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
Bernard Manning
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"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds."
Joan Rivers
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"A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man."
Mignon McLaughlin
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"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen
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"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."
PJ O'Rourke
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"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."
Steve Martin
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"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
Brendan Francis
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"I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off."
Joan Rivers
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"I know nothing about sex because I was always married."
Zsa Zsa Gabor
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"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
Rodney Dangerfield
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"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
Lewis Grizzard
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"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern."
Mickey Rooney
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"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
Rodney Dangerfield
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"The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much."
Colin Chapman
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"When you see what some girls marry, you realise how much they must hate to work for a living."
Helen Rowland
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"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
Woody Allen
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"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late."
Max Kaufman
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"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman.
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"If you never want to see a man again say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children'. They leave skid marks."
Rita Rudner
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"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
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"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
George Burns
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"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
Sacha Guitry
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"It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, he was a Klingon."
Carol Leifer
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"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
Jimmy Durante
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"My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine."
Fibber McGee
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"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."
Jilly Cooper
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"Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable."
Cher
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"There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn't believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus."
Bob Philips
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"Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.."
Diana Jordan
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"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
Gloria Steinem
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